Rain
by Marron-chan1
Summary: Hakkai's walk in the rain, as the song suggests. Lots of Hakkai angst and a bit of 58 fluffiness at the end. Hopefully a bit different from the norm. Songfic to Rain from Cowboy Bebop. Please R&R!


First Saiyuki fic and first song fic, so I would really appreciate some feedback! I tried to do a slightly different take on song fics in general and on Hakkai angst. This is supposed to be set about a few months after Hakkai started to live with Gojyo, so pre-tv series. It is set to "Rain" from the wonderful Cowboy Bebop. I own neither Saiyuki nor the song "Rain;" people much more talented than me do.  
So, the lyrics are in italics and the normal text is… normal.  
Also, an extremely big thank you to Mehagian for being my beta for this fic and giving me some great suggestions.  
Hope you enjoy!

**Rain**  
by Marron-chan1

_I don't feel a thing  
and I stopped remembering  
The days are just like moments turned to hours_

It amazes me that it has been raining for so long, or has it really been, I haven't been able to keep track… But, then again, it also amazes me that I stepped out of Gojyo's house in the first place into such dismal weather.

What was I thinking?

Ah, of course. I wasn't, now, was I? Why bother making sense of anything, when I know it will only lead to a conclusion that I don't want to face. Though, I suppose going out into the rain simply seemed like a good idea at that particular moment. Or maybe just a better idea.

It's this rain… it has this habit of getting to me now, making me think of the things that I can't change. Reminding me of all that I have done wrong and causing me to act ways I normally would not.

While sitting inside, it's as if the sound of the rain envelopes me, cutting me off from all of my senses. At least actually being out in the rain itself causes me to experience some degree of sensation.

_Mother used to say  
if you want, you'll find a way  
Bet mother never danced through fire shower_

Knowing it will only make things worse, I think back to my life with Kanan, my life as Gonou. But, maybe I want to make it worse. Maybe I want to drown in this rain.

I wonder if I could ever go back to that type of life, happy with the one I love and finding enjoyment as a school teacher. Obviously, I cannot go back to her, so why even consider it?

Teaching? Teaching would be difficult, I believe. I don't think I could resume that either. I think of what a hypocrite I would be for telling the children all of the things I used to tell them about life in general. I could never do that now. All those positive and optimistic things I used to say, encouraging them to become adults of the same manner; advising them that while life may be hard sometimes, they would always find a way through it. They could find a way, as long as they had hope.

No, I can never do that again. I was naïve and inexperienced then, completely unaware of the sort of horror life could offer. Now, I could never repeat those words without laughing at myself. Laughing at how utterly absurd they would sound. I can't even fathom how I was able to think that way in the first place. I'm sure it was because I thought nothing could alter the happy, little bubble I lived in during that time.

Why did things have to go so terribly wrong? Would it have been such a crime for my life to have remained that way? Was it because of the sin of loving my own sister? Is this what I deserve? It's not as if we were hurting anyone. Hardly anyone in our town knew Kanan was my sister, was it merely coincidence that fate decided to target us? But I suppose, in the end, she decided her own fate.

_Walk in the rain,_

And still, I walk in this rain, aimlessly and without concern.

_in the rain, _

In the rain, that beats down on me…

_in the rain_

that has drenched me…

_I walk in the rain,_

that has made me remember…

_in the rain_

that has made me expose what I manage to keep buried at any other time.

_Is it right or is it wrong  
and is it here that I belong_

I hate this rain for exactly that reason. It is a weakness. If I were alone, it would not be as much of an issue. If I were alone, Gojyo would not have to be subjected to even the slightest of these emotions. And if I were alone, I would not have to feel so guilty.

Although, tonight has been different. Gojyo left for his habitual nocturnal activities and I sat at the window, watching the downpour outside. He passed by, saying nothing as the door closed behind him. Sometimes, I think that Gojyo simply ignores me when I am in a state such as this, either that, or he does not know how to handle the situation.

Well, in any case, it should not be something he has be around. After all, I am just some stray he picked up off the side of the road one night. I am not someone he should feel obligated to.

Tonight though, I decided to disappear. Some time after Gojyo went out, I thought that it would be best to leave the warm comfort of his house. Now, I am truly alone. Out here, I don't feel as if I am stepping over the limit of Gojyo's generosity. I am not in the way nor am I bothering anyone.

So, I feel compelled to walk further on and further away.

_I don't hear a sound  
Silent faces in the ground  
The quiet screams, but I refused to listen_

I look downwards and in every pool of water I pass, I can't help but see her face, Kanan's face as she killed herself. That look of absolute sorrow, but also one of happiness. Happiness, maybe, as she thought she was ridding me of something I didn't want and something that would have made me unhappy. How could she have even considered the thought that her actions would make me anything other than I am now? She must have known it would have made me miserable, that it would have destroyed me.

Though, maybe it was for her own sake. Maybe she did not want to have to live with the shame of giving birth to a child of taboo, a child like Gojyo. In reality, a child of taboo is the same as any of pure race. Gojyo, as a person, is no different. Did she think any differently? It's hard for me to doubt someone I thought I knew so well. She must have known I would have accepted any child and I assume she would have as well. Could I have been wrong? I know she didn't betray me willingly, so, then why was it, why did she have to kill herself? How can I not know when I killed an entire clan of youkai because of it?

She could have let me save her. After all, that is what I had come there to do in the first place.

Why can't I hate her?  
_If there is a hell  
I'm sure this is how it smells  
Wish this were a dream, but no, it isn't_

The scent of wet foliage permeates the air as I leave the edges town and enter the surrounding forest. I used to love this smell. It was one of rebirth and rejuvenation for nature itself. Though, now, all I can smell is the rain combined with the scent of my own flesh and blood as it flows out onto an empty road. The smell of rain and dirt and blood. And most of all, the smell of terrible sin.

Why did Gojyo have to drag me up off of that road? It almost seems unfair, him not simply allowing me to die.

This new life as Hakkai doesn't seem real. It's as if I could wake up at any moment and realize it was all just some terrible nightmare. Buddhism seems to overestimate human nature, I think. How can they expect someone to end one life and begin a new one with a clean break? They should have truly executed me. It would have been easier and I would not have held it against them. After all, I did deserve it.

_Walk in the rain, _

And still, I walk in this rain, further and further from being forced to face reality.

_in the rain, _

In the rain that stabs into me with every droplet…

_in the rain_

that tears apart my mind…

_I walk in the rain,_

that makes me feel as if I could collapse at any moment…

_in the rain_

that I despise.

_Am I right or am I wrong  
and is it here that I belong_

I should keep walking forever and walk straight out of Gojyo's life. It's not right for him to be affected by my problems as well. I know he has his own past that he has to face at times, therefore, I should not add to those types of emotions.

No matter how I look at it, the only thing I can think of is leaving. I'm sure Gojyo did not plan on having me stay at his house this long anyway, so it's alright if I just disappear, isn't it? Isn't it?

He would understand, after all, he has some idea as to what this feels like. Although, I'm not exactly the type to go out every evening and get drunk or find a random girl to spend the night with. No, I can't escape that way. Sometimes, I think that way would be easier instead of letting it eat away at me slowly, because one of these days, it will break me. It's inevitable. One day, it will become too much, so I should be far away from anyone when that happens. I certainly don't belong anywhere near someone I care for, when I can only hurt him.

_Walk in the rain,_

And still, I walk in this rain, deeper into the darkness.

_in the rain,_

In the rain that mocks me….

_in the rain_

that echoes my name…

_I walk in the rain_,

that seeks to drive me to my knees and drown me…

_in the rain_

that calls my name.

_Why do I feel so alone_

The rain will never leave me alone. My past will never leave me alone, my past as a supposedly different person. Why can't I just be alone? Why must I feel alone as well?

_For some reason I think of home_

My name, the name I don't want to hear, begins to pound itself into my head, becoming louder and louder, until I realize that it is accompanied by the faint sound of footfalls splashing through water. My name stops and the footfalls quicken their pace and increase intensity. It's only a passing observation though, as I continue to walk.

Suddenly, Gojyo appears in front of me, breathing heavily and sopping wet. The only reaction I am capable of is simply stopping in my path.

"Man, Hakkai, what're you doing all the way out here on a night like this?" He asks, but I cannot answer. I would not even know how to begin that answer or even if Gojyo would actually want to hear it. So, the only thing I can do is to stare back into his blood red eyes. Maybe he will see something he does not want to and let me be on my way, by myself. I almost feel ashamed for doing it. Gradually, something in his eyes change as they search my own and it seems to tear into my chest.

Not able to stand it anymore, I cast my eyes downward and take a step to the side, intending to go around him. Instead, he moves closer, close enough to startle me. He grabs my wrist and is so near now that I can feel his body heat despite the cold rain.

"Come on, let's go home and warm up, okay?" Home? Home with Gojyo? Seems odd. I manage to bring my eyes back up and I am met with Gojyo's typical smirk, but it is softer than normal. I nod, carefully, as the only thing I can do is gaze dumbfounded back at him, because now, I can't think of anything else except him. Gojyo… here for some reason.

He takes my hand and locks his fingers in-between my own I feel his rain-drenched hand tighten around mine as we begin to walk back home.

End


End file.
